News in Brief

ATHLETE DETERMINED TO WIN GOLD AT DELHI GAMES

The 2010 Holding a Grudge Commonwealth Games in Delhi will be bringing the best of the best athletes who can hold a grudge. Local athlete, Jean Clampett, has been training super hard for the past four years. “I’ve been holding a grudge with several family members for the past 4 years,” said Jean. When asked what her family members did to give her the inspiration to hold a grudge she got mighty snappy with me, “They know what they did…”

Several family members who were contacted claim they have no idea what the hell they could have possibly done to cause Jean to hold a grudge for such a long time but wish her well for the Commonwealth Games, “If holding a grudge for that long gets her Gold then we’re happy for her.”

Jean is determined to keep holding a grudge for as long as it takes. “After the games I’ll continue to hold a grudge… especially if I don’t win a medal,” warns Jean, “…so I better win plenty of Gold Medals otherwise everyone will regret it.”

SYDNEY TRAIN DRIVER GOES MAD

Sydney train driver Jake McBride gave passengers the heeby-jeebies on Sunday morning when he stopped the train halfway between Parramatta and Granville for an hour and a half.  He couldn’t contain his laughter as he informed passengers over the P.A. system that the next stop would be Granville. “There’s nothing like a good joke on a Sunday morning… especially on the greatest public transport in the world!” said Jemma Grimes sarcastically, “This idiot just kept sniggering every 5 minutes that the next stop would be Granville”. One male passenger out of his mind with rage was heard to have said before running into drivers carriage, “How hard is it to drive this thing in a straight line, on a train track… seriously?  We can take this bastard on… who’s with me?”

According to co-driver, Anne Smithers, this is just one joke in a long line of jokes Jake has unleashed on Sydney rail passengers recently. Anne said his last 72 hour shift, started at Penrith, told passengers to “strap themselves in, they’re in for one hell of a ride.” He reached speeds of 1000 miles per hour, arriving at Central Station within record time of 2 minutes! “No one thought the train was actually going to stop,” Anne states surprisingly, “but strangely passengers, despite their multiple injuries, applauded and thanked Jake for getting them to work on time.”

ALIEN’S GREETING PISSES EVERYONE OFF

People of Earth are offended by Alien’s one finger “greeting” and wonder why he bothered coming to Earth in the first place. Ztimlorkinfragispiel from the planet Wackton looked excited when he stepped off his spaceship on Saturday morning. “Hello people of Earth!,”  the Alien said while waving both middle fingers high in the air, “I come in peace.” The response was immediate with locals yelling back, “Fuck you, you asshole!”

“If he came all this way to flip us off he can just go back to his ‘home planet’, wherever that is,” says pissed off earthling Paul De-Bargo. The hostile greeting only made the Alien far more determined to win the hearts and minds of us earthlings. “I’ll have to pull out my big guns… it has to work. Where I come from it’s the highest form of respect when you meet your in-laws for the first time, or the leader of Wackton.” It was at this point the Alien pulled his pants down, turned around, bent over and said, “Kiss my ass people of earth!!”

UNKNOWN CRISIS IN FOODULIDOOP

An unknown crisis in Foodulidoop caused major panic today at Kwapidudu-Begone. People who work in businesses around Kwapidudu-Begone say they could see people running around in circles repeatedly screaming, “Crisis in Foodulidoop, crisis in Foodulidoop!” The CEO from Kwapidudu-Begone held a press conference and he stated in an upbeat tone, “The residents of Foodulidoop have nothing to worry about…everything is under control. I am not saying the people of Foodulidoop are sitting on a ticking time bomb, but I would pack my bags and leave town walking on my tippy-toes if I were them, but I’m not… but let me assure you there is no crisis at Foodulidoop…everything is absolutely fine.”

AUSTRALIAN IN STAND-OFF… REFUSES TO LEAVE SHIP.

Authorities claim that a young Australian girl refuses to leave holiday ship Independence of the Seas. Those aboard say that the young girl simply didn’t believe it was ever going to end as the ship came to dock into an American port of Florida in the early hours of Friday morning. The young girl was heard to have said “Come on everyone, let’s form a conga line and stay here forever!” One passenger said, “I don’t know how she has the legs for it… she must be some sort of freak! After 10 days I feel nothing below my waist.” Her conga line of one was abruptly stopped when the captain insisted it was time for her to leave and it was at this point she “cha-cha’d” her way into room and locked herself in. Police authorities say that she poses no threat at this stage; however Conga Lines can get out of control quickly if not contained. Sgt Imonly Kidding, from the Quotation Unit said, “We have to make her understand that all good things must come to an end so we can all live happily ever after…And you can quote me on that!”

QUEENSLANDER GIRL USES THE WORD “RANDOM” IN PATHETIC ATTEMPT TO CLING ONTO YOUTH.

Fear of old age and looking like “much” older older sister was blamed today for the inappropriate usage of the word “random” in a sentence. “There is no way dude that I’m gonna look like my big sister… she’s like so totally old dude!” Erin said while watching ‘Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure’. Erin Banfield, when asked about her own age said, “That’s so random!” although reports indicate she is around her mid-20’s, “So like, dude, Samantha is like in her 30’s… and who wants that?” Erin explained that Samantha dyes her hair to cover grey hair and said she should really think about botox because, “… if plastic surgery has taught us anything it’s that anyone can have a face of a new born.” Statistics show that 65% of older siblings feel better about themselves when they constantly remind younger siblings that, “You too are going to look like this when you get to my age!”, strangley 100% of Grandparents secretly love telling their grandchildren the very same thing. Samantha was unable to be reached to make a comment due to hip replacement surgery.

CREEPY SANTA GETS MAKE-OVER.

Less Creepy Santa to be unveiled on Sunday with Aucklander’s rushing to finalise last minute details in what is being hailed as New Zealand’s television “Uxtreme Makeover Spicticular”. With translator in tow – I flew to Auckland to see what the heck is going on. “The last plastic surgery was a complete disaster… I have no idea who suggested using Joan Rivers’ surgeon!” the Mayor explained shaking his head. The locals have mixed emotions about “Creepy Santa” getting a facelift. “My John still wets the bed every Christmas when Creepy Santa takes his place on Queen St – and he’s 40 years old now!” wept one local who refused to be named. “I would stand here for hours watching him,” laughed another while rocking backwards & forwards, “that beckoning finger and winking eye – it was as if he was talking directly to me.” The head of NZ Plastic Surgeons Association told me, “We have already seen a 35% increase in plastic surgeries… sure most of them are sheep but we are confident more people will be flocking to get a facelift after Sunday’s unveiling.” We have front row seats to the event. Let’s just hope 4 months of surgery hasn’t left Creepy Santa’s face looking like he went 10 rounds with Mike Tyson!